


Töte Mich

by Donaukinderr



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2018-11-13 00:26:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 19,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11173173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donaukinderr/pseuds/Donaukinderr
Summary: I need to understand why the things that happened to me did. I need to understand what I'm dealing with; but I just can't seem to do that.Warning: extremely triggering content.





	1. **Disclaimer**

_**Okay, so before you all read this I want you all to know that this story is extremely graphic and very dark. It deals with very, very upsetting topics such as suicide, suicidal thoughts and actions and rape.** _

_**I'm not quite sure as to why I decided to write such a dark story but I feel as if this gave me an outlet to help relieve many triggers I have and events that I have lived through in my life.** _

_**Although, this is not an accurate description or deception of the exact events that have happened to me; it's inspired largely by many traumatic events I have encountered.** _

_**I apologize to anyone that the plot of this story may upset and I suggest highly that you do not read this. I just believe that there's this stigma around rape and many people have this mentality to believe it's something that it's not.** _

_**For example, I have seen many Rammstein fics where members of the bands have been raped and in one particular story, the author had written a story about one member raping another one and depicted that the rapist had committed the act out of 'love'. And personally that made me very upset and sick to read; as to most that have experienced and survived an ordeal such as that know, that could never have taken place. So I feel in a way that was another reason I needed to write this.** _

_**I am no way romanticizing or glorifying rape, suicide, depression or anxiety by writing this story.** _

_**I'm aware that rape is disgusting, cruel and extremely heinous to all those effected by it. I know how I was effected by it.** _

_**Rape is something that you either understand because it's happened to you. Or you simply don't, there's no in between.** _

_**So here's my only way I could maybe make people understand what it's like, this story ushers the effect it truly plagues upon someone's mind.** _

_**If this story content does not effect you as much, I warn you to err on the side of caution because again, this story is very graphic and can be upsetting.** _

_**You have been warned.** _

 


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about to get very dark.

_"Stop! Stop! Stop!"_ yelled Mr. Haner from his seat, 9 rows back in the auditorium. My hands fell from their strategic positions on my cello. " _Christoph_ " he sighed loudly as he threw up his hands. "We've been over this... We both know you can _play_ the cello, but where's your expression? Where's your dynamics? _Where's your heart?"._

I feverishly nodded hearing this familiar spiel a thousand times, when I didn't place enough emphasis on the staccato in measure 17 or the crescendo wasn't grand enough in measure 42 he would start to question my loyalty to his musical teachings.

I sighed heavily "Yes, Mr. Haner" my heart sinking slightly as he grimaced in my direction. "This is _Breval!_ He is loud and he is full of feeling and power! You need to convey it Christoph. Dynamics and expressions are what this piece is all about!".

"I'm sorry" I said just barely loud enough that he could hear. "Don't apologize! _Play it right!_ This one of his grandest pieces! It's his Sonata in C major! The opening chords are barely there, I need more emphasis!" he was shaking his head in disgust as he started walking down the aisle to sit in the chair directly in front of me; adding even more anxiety to my disheveled mind.

I had no sheet music. I had no back up pianist. Just me and the subdivision in my head, along with Mr. Haner' s screaming.

"You are in college. You've been in college for half a year now. You are becoming a professional cellist. This is the big leagues, you need to understand that no one is going to baby you anymore". I wanted to spit on him for the pure accusation.

His eyebrows lifted at my sullen expression. "He had greater expectations for his music Christoph! Play it with feeling! _Again!"_ he commanded.

I placed my fingers upon the strings and waited for my own mental cue. My bow hold shook and my strings made a slight crunching sound when I added more arm weight upon my bow hold.

As I played the first chord my cello uttered a delightfully loud chord and my heart quickened as I delicately moved my fingers across the fingerboard to make another equally loud and in-tune sounding chord.

Mr. Haner's face was no longer grimacing at me but also did not radiate approval. As my fingers nimbly moved across the fingerboard his face remained at a level of stoic indifference. I tried my best to make it "expressive and loud" but by the ending note his expression showed he was still largely displeased.

He cleared his throat before he spoke "Although that run of it was much better than the last few, you're just not feeling it... Yes, you're making this instrument play the notes the composer arranged it to play; but you're not listening to what he's trying to convey. Its almost like you're breathing but you're not living. This cello should be your life-line. Everything you are should be this cello. Find your heart and then we'll try again."

I nodded, exhausted. He told me I could pack up and he would see me again next Friday for our weekly lesson. I followed his instructions and basically yelled with glee, Mr. Haner's lesson was always my last class on Friday and tonight I was going to hang out at a party with some friends and have a great send-off to the weekend.

Well by friends it was more like "the man I can't stop drooling over and all his friends". I had fell for Richard the minute I laid eyes on him in music theory.

As I listened to the professor ramble about different correlations to key signatures, he walked in. He was absolutely stunning. Everything about him was rutted in complete and utter contrast. Somehow it all meshed together perfectly.

Short black hair, exquisite blue eyes, porcelain white skin, clear complexion,  and a dazzling smile. And if that wasn't enough his toned chest, long legs and superb ass were enough to put me in the hospital. I tried my best not to stare but his eyes flicked to mine and his smile grew even wider; and I feel like right then and there he knew.

I didn't do much about my crush on him, I just kinda sat on the back burner and watched how he went around exploring his life, seeing what classes we did and didn't have together. Until we got paired together to do a project on a famous composer for Music Theory.

As the project progressed so did my crush on him. I think he could sense it, I mean it wasn't hard as I'd always make an ass of myself the second his eyes met mine.  Our presentation went off without a hitch and so did our budding friendship.

He introduced me to his group of friends named Oliver, Flake, Paul and Till. And each one of them had a personality completely separate and opposite from each other. But somehow they made their group dynamic work.

Oliver was extremely tall and he was about as thin as a telephone pole. His personality was pretty quiet but under the shy exterior I could tell he was harboring a heart of gold. He was photography major and he minored in business. And his friend Flake was right there behind him, he was almost as tall and just as skinny. He was a linguistic major and he was minoring in music.

Paul was an absolute midget compared to all of them, even Richard had a couple inches on him. But he had an insane amount energy and he was just a great dude to have around. He was surprisingly a business major, and was only minoring in music. There wasn't much to talk about when it came to Till other than he was tall, stoic and brooding, and according to Richard he was a film and music major.

And Richard, _oh Richard_ , the literal definition of perfect, was just that. Perfect. He was unsurprisingly a drama and music major.

I was pretty much a massive loner up until that point so it was nice to have some new smiling faces around me. Each one of them slowly grew onto me and I loved the idea of being friends with them more and more everyday. I cherished the fact I, at least had one class with all of them at some point during the week.

I had Photography with Ollie, Business Law with Paul, Calculus with Till, Physics with Flake and of course Music Theory with Richard. In addition I had World History and a handful of free time in which I played my cello.

I quickly headed back to my dorm and waited for the text from Richard about where and when the party would be. I hoped it'd be relatively soon as I was excited to see all of my friends and especially Richard.

I set my cello down in the corner of my crowded single dorm room and I heard my phone buzz. And my heart skipped a beat.

I had a text from Richard. _**"The party starts at eight. It's at West Hall, room 416, bring alcohol, weed or money. No free-loading :)"**_

I quickly sent him an excited response and I looked at the clock. It's 4:39. 'What was I gonna do for 3 and a half hours?'

I'd figure it out. _I just couldn't wait for eight o'clock._

 


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **FAIR WARNING:** 
> 
> Basically every chapter after this one will have some type of trigger warning as this chapter contains graphic depictions of a FICTIONAL rape. Again I apologize for making such an upsetting story but I hope you all can understand why I feel as though I need to write about this.

8 o'clock had finally arrived.

I walked over to West Hall and I was giddy with excitement. I walked up the four flights of stairs and I stood slightly anxious in front of the door with the number " **416** " engraved on it and I shook as I checked my pockets for the $30 it contained.

I tentatively knocked on the door and it opened to find my small group of friends sitting on all the scattered furniture around the 3 person dorm. I handed Richard the 30 dollars out of my pocket and he smiled. "What happened to this party? I was expecting a real extravaganza" I said sarcastically. Till looked irritated by my presence before speaking blankly "The dude who was supposed to throw it got caught, so this what it has become.. Or you can just _leave_ ".

I swallowed hard and Paul shot him a death glare while Richard scolded him for being so rude. Paul pulled out a joint from his pocket and lit it up. Oli opened the window and then asked for the joint next.

After taking a hit Paul handed it to Oli. As Oli was inhaling quite the drag, Paul exhaled and a few coughs erupted from his small frame. The pattern continued like that (skipping Flake as he wasn't one for drugs, just alcohol) until the joint had finally made it across the room and finally Till was passing it to me. "Have you ever smoked weed before?" he questioned holding the joint just out of reach.

I was irritated by him. The feelings of our hatred for each other was the only thing we had in common. "Of course I have _dumbshit_." I spoke loudly and he furrowed his eyebrows and grumbled something under his breath before handing me the joint.

All eyes were on me except for Paul, he was laying on the couch messily typing and he waited for his high to start. I took a drag off the joint and it was much stronger than what I was used to, so it burned my lungs and my mouth was full of a shit taste. I held it in as long as I could before exhaling. Tears pricked my eyes and a few hard coughs wrecked my body.

I passed the joint back to Paul and he took it gratefully. Paul complained about how he wasn't _'getting high off his own damn weed'_ and in response Oli pulled a bong out of his school bag.

He walked over to their little adjoining  
bathroom and filled the bong up with some water. I could feel my high happening slightly. I could feel my heart beating quicker and I felt my arms become a little lighter. I hadn't quite smoked enough for it to engulf my brain in its mind numbing senses.

Before I knew it, Oli was shoving the bong towards me saying "first green goes to you Christoph" I smiled grateful but I questioned him with a simple "Why? You packed it, you get first green".

He smiled warmly before stating "its our first time smoking with you, it's kinda like initiation.." I stared at it wearily and everyone was beaming at me, of course except for Till. "Go ahead _babe_ " Richard said sweetly and I melted at the nickname.

I lit up a small corner of the bowl and my blood ran hot as Oli whistled excitedly and Richard laughed like an idiot at me. I blushed deeply before shyly handing the bong back to Oli and exhaling, thankfully, this time without any coughing.

Eventually the bong made its way around a few times and everyone was feeling pretty good; we played some shit music and pondered the secrets of the universe. Until, Flake asked if we could go to the store to get beer. Richard was sadly, the only one with a car so he automatically said he was going; and Flake being the only sober one was elected to drive.

Oli and Paul screamed about how they had the munchies and wanted to pick up snacks. And of course they needed a place to put the beer. Richard tried to make one of them stay so I could go instead, but I was fine with staying here. Until I realised I would be left with Till; but by then, they all were exiting the dorm.

The door slammed shut with a loud thud that made my heart race. I was very uncomfortable around Till, to say the least. Also the fact I was stoned as shit and having him glare at me from the opposite side of the couch made my anxiety rise even further.

My voice sounded weird and I tried to keep my world from spinning as I spoke and my eyebrows furrowed. "Why do you look like you hate me all the time? I don't know what I've done to you to have you _hate_ me."

He did not speak a word. He just glared at me harder. My anger was rising as his silence continued. "Well! _Fucking say something_ you goddamn pri-". My words were cut off with his lips connecting with mine.

I pulled away almost as instantly as he kissed me. I was in shock. "Till what the _fuck_ du-" before I could spit out my sentence his lips were on mine again. I tried to pull away but he entangled his fingers in my long hair and kept his mouth firmly against mine.

My breathing quickened as I clawed at his arms. He wrapped his free hand around my throat and my mouth opened instinctively to gasp. He took this opportunity to shove his tongue in my mouth. He tasted like pot and cigarettes. I was gagging.

I bit down on his tongue as hard as I could and he pulled his mouth off mine with a painful cry. I took a hard breath in my pounding lungs, his hand instantly collided with my face, a hard sound echoing through the room. I felt my nose run and a metallic taste stained my tongue.

He grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard as he flipped my nimble body over, I was like a rag doll. He positioned my body, so my bleeding face was firmly stuffed in the corner of the couch. I screamed in pain, but it was muffled slightly by the couch.

My pain only intensified as I felt my other arm lurched out in the same way as the previous one. My panic became worse when I felt my wrists being bound with something.

I was unaware as to what would happen next but I didn't have much time to process it. _He was undoing my pants._ My blood ran cold and I started shaking. " _No! No Till! Please don't do this!"_ I screamed into the couch.

He gripped the back of my hair and jerked my head back to stuff something in my mouth. His scent engulfed my senses and I felt myself gagging on it as he tried cramming it deeper down my throat. Tears welled in my eyes as I struggled to keep myself from choking on my own vomit.

I felt his disgustingly wet fingers trail down my body. And from that moment, my world began to slow. My pleas and screams of agony were virtually non-existent as the cloth and couch worked together to silence me.

My heart was slamming eradically in my chest, my lungs were struggling to work. My body was shutting down, but my brain was in over-drive. I prayed that this would just be some horrible fucked up dream.

But the pain of his actions brought me back into my sad reality. _'He was doing this, he was really doing this to me'._ I felt my vomit rise in the back of my throat as his fingers pushed deep into me and another sob and cry for mercy was muffled.

I closed my eyes and I prayed to any God that it would be over soon. His actions were ringing through my head, I was in disbelief. _'This couldn't be happening, this couldn't happen to me'._

I was brought back again to my miserable reality by his belt jingling and his pants hitting the floor with light ' _thud_ '. I attempted to inhale a solid breath but it was quickly shattered by the feeling of him pushing himself inside of me.

_'No. NO. This hurts, This hurts! Stop please. PLEASE!'_   My half working body and brain were now, not working at all. They had completely shut down.

I stopped shivering and wretching in disgust. I stopped sobbing and screaming into couch. I stopped everything. I was just frozen. I laid there frozen while he took advantage of me.

Every movement and sound, gasp or moan he made tore a little piece out of me. It's almost as I was an amazing, beautifully designed, old, brick building and I was watching a man tear me apart brick by brick. _Chipping away, stealing, ruining me and my grandeur._

With each passing minute his movements were quicker and more rushed and I embraced the demise of him and his repugnant actions. Tears fell like rain and I fixated my vision on the clock hanging from the wall.

_8:43:57... 8:43:58... 8:43:59... 8:44:00..._

Every second felt like years and every move he made felt like he was stabbing me with a knife. He was panting like a disgusting dog, and I shuddered at the sounds of his breathing growing shallower and his movements becoming sloppier.

I was relieved and disgusted when he finally pulled his abhorring self out of my body. I threw up against the rag in my mouth as I felt him finish on my back.

Shortly after he released my hands and I wasted no time in ripping the rag out of my mouth, pulled up my disheveled clothes and I quickly gathered my shattered self from off the couch before running out the door slamming it and running back to my dorm as fast as possible.

My lungs felt like they were on fire but I did not stop. I was so afraid he was going to come after me and force himself on me again. The tears did not stop the entire run home.

I finally made it to North Hall. I passed many people on the way in. I shoved my way through them; a man called me a prick and a woman told me to "fuck off" but I continued running.

'508, 508, 508' that's all I could think of. If I could just get to my room I would be safe. I passed many doors I had seen so many times. 506... 507.. 508.

I was shaking so hard and struggling to breathe, it was a miracle I had freed my room key from it's clothed prison. With shaking anxious hands I unlocked my door to my dorm and I slammed it shut before locking the lock and the dead bolt again.

A choked sob wrecked my body as I hastily removed my clothes. I threw them in a pile in the corner of my room. I knew I'd never wear them again.

I barricaded myself into the small adjoining bathroom my dorm had. I turned the hot water on full blast and sat under the burning spray.

What had took place tonight had finally hit me.

_I was just raped. Till just raped me._

My body shook and I cried as I grabbed my rag and soap from the shelf. _'Get him out. Get him out! You're filthy!'_. I gripped the rag tightly until my knuckles turned white and began scrubbing my legs...

I wasn't sure how long I was in the bathroom, but the hot water was all but gone and every inch of my skin was red and irritated from scrubbing. I didn't feel clean at all. I needed another shower.

I would take one in the morning. My sobs had subsided as I began focusing more on cleaning myself than anything else. I knew I couldn't deal with this. So I was going to avoid it. I was going to shove it down until I could deal with it.

The towel stung my body as I struggled to dry myself. I picked up my brush and had run it through my mess of a hair until it had caught on a knot and unwillingly flashed me back to earlier.

' _He gripped the back of my hair with his hands. The scent of the cloth in my mouth overwhelmed me'._

The memory caused my stomach to lurch and my brain to spin. I fell to my knees and profusely emptied the contents of my stomach into the white porcelain bowl.

After a while I had stopped wretching. I rinsed out my mouth and I left my hair alone. I pulled on a loose pair of underwear and willed my numb body forward into the mess of sheets on my bed.

I was warm, but I was scared, I was repulsed, I was overwhelmed. I was in shock because I was just raped.

_I. was. just. raped._

A few tears fell from my eyes and my body jerked forward slightly as a memory ran through my head. _'I just wanna sleep, I just wanna sleep'_ I begged my body for the sweet release of sleep.

Eventually my eyelids dropped, my breathing became steadier and I welcomed the sweet embrace of blessed comatose.

 


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a re-upload of Chapter 3 because my chapter index was a mess and I had to delete chapter 3. So I'll upload this and then chapter 4

_**"This body, it hasn't been mine since those nights. Surely, I was inside it but it does not belong to me anymore. It's like those horrible nights opened me up and filled my being with mud. This body is used and dirty and shouldn't belong to me. It shouldn't be what I am left with. It shouldn't be the one I see when I look in the mirror." - 1/18/17** _

The morning after, for me will always be something that haunts my memories. There's something about it that's full of discreet ruin; you know what happened, but you don't want to admit it.

You're laying in your bed, almost completely numb, trying to keep some sort of balance between your racing heart and your plodding lungs; which are both fighting desperately to keep you alive. There's two different sides of you waging this futile war against each other.

One side is over-compensating to deal with the trauma. I haven't felt my heart slow down once. Its almost like last night shoved it into overdrive and now it's stuck; continuously, erratically beating. My brain hasn't stopped spinning. Its seeking desperately for answers, a reason, a motive, something to explain his actions.

When my brains not searching for answers, it's stuck on a small disturbingly clear loop; my shattered psyche created to fixate upon. The memories from last night. Everything from the moment he started kissing me to the moment he freed my hands. Over and over. The clock is ingrained in my brain.

_8:43:57... 8:43:58... 8:43:59... 8:44:00..._

Shaking wrists and trembling fingers scratch at my legs trying to claw him out of my skin. The feeling of him refuses to cease; it's almost like him being there, _in me.._ It filled me with cement...

It filled my veins, it filled my lungs and my brain and I just needed it out. I can feel it coursing through my veins and I'm powerless to stop it. I can feel my heart slowly beginning to fill, and I wish for nothing more than to cease existing.

_He has infected me._

His hands ghost over my skin; inching me closer toward utter devastation. _"No! Stop!... This hurts. This hurts!'._ The memory flashed behind my eyes. _"Get out! Stop!"_ I screamed before running to the bathroom and having a series of dry heaves wreck my body.

Tears streamed down my face and I placed my head on the edge of the white porcelain bowl. I closed my eyes as I tried to keep my body from having another fit. It was deadly silent, the only sound was my heavy, monotonous breath echoing inside the bowl. The breathing that I wished so desperately would cease.

The man who's tearing my tower away brick by brick is succeeding. I can feel my foundation cracking under the weight of my tower and I'm running out of bricks to stop it.

I'm pleading with the man but he's fixated on getting what he wants. He does not care about how long it took me to build my tower. For he does not know about the years it took me to build myself that strong, and that tall. He does not know of the nights I spent alone tirelessly working to build myself up. But in one night. In one course of action; he was tearing it all down.

My tower is cracking; the bricks are so close to detaching and giving way. I try to breathe and remain the tall standing building I once was.

_But how can I build myself up if I've got nothing left to support me?_

Then there's the side that is under-compensating. My body is numb, trying desperately to numb the pain spreading through my body. My limbs are heavy and I feel like I could pass out at any second. I can feel myself detaching from reality. I can feel my heart shattering further with every beat.

As I laid there, everything I knew; lost, nothing to gain, completely ruined by heinous and careless actions. I felt the weight of last night truly bear down on me.

It's almost like you don't believe it. You see it but you refuse to acknowledge it's there. Its almost like you can feel your world hanging by a thread, but you don't believe it. It's so much easier to be comforted with a lie than be hurt by the truth. Before I never understood why, but now I do.

_He raped me._

No one understands those words or the weight they truly carry. He made me endure something no one should ever be subjected to. I'll never ever be the same. He ruined me. I'm useless, filthy, disgusting, I'm nothing anyone would ever want. I'm ruined.

I could feel the cement hardening.. Deep inside my lungs. "I need another shower". I whispered to myself. I crawled over to the shower and turned only the hot water on.

_'If I can't scratch him out, I'll burn him out...'._

I dragged myself under the scalding stream and I welcomed the deep burn that graced my back. The sharp sting.. I needed that. My body began to tremble the more the water doused my body. I ignored the deep burning and grabbed my rag and soap.

The feeling of the initial rag to the skin of my arm was soft; as the rag laid on a mountain of frothy soap bubbles. As I dragged the cloth against my skin the soap washed away with the water, the rag was left to wash my skin. I pushed down harder desperately trying to rid my body of any trace of him.

_'Back and forth.. Back and forth.. Back and forth'._ I dragged the cloth against my skin. It started to burn as the fibers of the cloth dug deep into my skin. But not deep enough. It wasn't getting the dirt. I wasn't becoming clean. I pushed harder and my skin grew more and more irritated with each deep hard swipe of the cloth.

If I could rip off my skin. If I could just rip off what harbors him; I could clean myself. Rip it off and clean under the surface. I moved onto the next arm and ignored the protest of my already frail body...

Eventually the hot water had run out again and my skin was none the less still dirty. I just wanted to be clean. I very delicately dried off my burnt body. I slipped on a new pair of underwear and grimaced at the feeling of the elastic scraping my skin.

I stared in disgust as I looked in the mirror. I couldn't stand to see what he had ruined. I didn't want to see. All I saw was him. _Disgusting, ugly, filthy, ruined._

A sob ran through my body I tried to run the brush through my hair; when it caught on a knot in the back, I screamed in anger; ripping the brush from his confines in my hair and throwing it against the wall, denting it slightly. I couldn't breathe. My eyes welled with tears as a memory flicked behind my eyes.

I stormed into my room and opened my desk. I grabbed a pair of scissors. I grabbed a wad of my hair and cut it off.

_'Cut it off. Cut it all off'._

 


	5. Chapter 4

**_"The most profound moment of my life was when I saw my sister cry. Her breath caught in her throat and she struggled to speak as the news of those nights rolled off my lips. She began weeping for me, for the loss of my happiness, my innocence, me. She knew of the darkness that collects in you; she knew how you lose yourself more and more with each passing second. She knew because she lived it. And the thought of anyone else living it, was enough to crush her." - 6/3/17_ **

Surprisingly the second day was even worse than the first. I'm not quite sure what I was expecting, but I was clearly praying for a miracle that wouldn't come. It seems like the weight upon my shoulders just gets heavier by the minute.

_Crushing. Bearing down. Silencing. Killing._

Everything from pieces of my hair to my clothes were scattered across my room. I had passed out after spending god knows how long cutting all my hair off. It needed to come off.

It was something that reminded me of him and he needed to go away. _'Shove it down. Act like you're fine and shove it so far down. Protect your crumbling tower from further devastation. Never.. ever let anyone hurt you like this again'._

And the fact I had classes tomorrow didn't help. Every Monday morning, I had Calculus with him, it was my first lesson. My heart ran even faster at the thought of having to be in the same room as him.

_'His panting, his soft moaning, the feeling of him covering my back.'_ I shuddered and my stomach turned as the bile threatened to rise out of my throat and all over my sheets. _"Gross, gross gross, No. No. No. Stop!"_ I mumbled as I pressed down on my shut eyelids with trembling hands. I tried to steady my breathing before I choked on the saliva collecting in my mouth.

_'His fingers tracing down my ass.. his spit covered them.. Cold, wet, **disgusting**. They pushed into me and I screamed harder.'_

I threw myself out of my bed and into my bathroom just barely making it to the toilet before the bile rose completely out of me and burnt my throat and nose as it exited.

A sob wrecked my feeble body and I smashed my head repeatedly against the bathroom wall. " _Please! Make it stop, Make it stop!"._ I cried silently.

_I just want to die._

_'8:43:57... 8:43:58... 8:43:59... 8:44:00...'_

Each desperate plea in the form of the words "Get out!" graced my lips, as I smashed my head harder into the wall with each dejected chant. I felt his fingers glide over my body, I clawed my bare thighs, just trying to get rid of the feeling.

As more and more sets of red drag marks graced my skin, I clenched my eyes shut. My fingertips were hot and my thighs felt like they were on fire, but I didn't stop. I just kept clawing. The digusting smell of the couch and the cloth filled my nose. The cloth smelt like grease and strong, cheap cologne, while the couch smelt like must and mothballs.

I could feel him unbuttoning my pants. Each little 'tic' as the zipper got lower and the teeth of my zipper separated. I felt him pulling them down. I clawed impossibly deeper and I opened my eyes to see I had drawn blood.

_If I can't scratch him out, I'll burn him out... If I can't burn him out.. I'll cut him out! Cut him out now!!'._

I propelled my numb body to my desk. 'Something sharp, look for something sharp!' I threw various pens and pencils and paper across my room in search of something, anything.

I had inhaled sharply when my fingers had wrapped around the metal utensil covered in plastic. I had found an old boxcutter from when I'd first moved into college in the fall. I was silently thanking the stars as tears welled in my eyes.

I turned on the shower, the same temperature as always. And sat down in the tub with shaking hands and legs. I clicked the box cutter open. I felt scalding water run over the shallow open wounds on my skin. I instantly hissed at the sting, but then I reviled in it.

_'The sting... I'm killing him, Get him out!'._ I clicked open the box cutter and I ran the tip of my thumb across the blade, delighted when it shallowly opened the skin of my thumb. It's still sharp as ever.

I tentatively placed the sharp blade on my thigh and I dragged it across the top of my right thigh. The pain was present but I was getting him out. The crimson liquid poured from the large cut on my thigh as I inhaled sharply and started another cut. Except this one was deeper.

I pressed harder on the box cutter and more blood came pouring out. 'He tasted like pot and cigarettes. Cheap, generic cologne and musty old couches. His fingers pushing inside me; it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad. I didn't want it, why didn't he stop?!'. I could feel him rubbing himself between my thighs and on my ass.

I began slashing my thigh erratically with heavy, fast slashes. _"Out! Out! Out!"_ I screamed as I began hacking at my other thigh. The pain was inconceivable and I was bleeding heavily from both my thighs.

_'I deserve this. It's my fault. I shouldn't have gone to that stupid fucking party. I shouldn't have went. It was my fault. My fault. MY FAULT.'_

I watched my blood run and mix with the scalding water turning it redish pink as it mixed with the water and ran down the drain. I sheathed the blade into the box cutter before chucking it out of the bathtub.

I grabbed the soap and rubbed it into my hair along with the cloth and began scrubbing every inch of my body that wasn't seeping blood.

I just kept scrubbing and scrubbing deeper and deeper.

_'My fault.. My fault'._

 


	6. Chapter 5

**_"I have nothing. I know nothing. I am nothing." -10/22/16._ **

Monday was here and I wanted nothing more than to _not_ be here. I unanimously decided that I wasn't going to calculus, but deciding whether to leave my room or not was the newest struggle.

I didn't want to leave because he was out there; but now everywhere I look he's in room with me. On my walls, in my sheets, in my head, in my dreams; _everywhere_.

I threw on some new boxers and winced at the feeling of the cloth running over my healing wounds. I felt my heart quicken as I opened the drawer to my dresser. _'Jesus Fuck what was I supposed to wear ?!'_ I needed to wear clothes; I couldn't leave _naked_.

My anxiety rose and my head began screaming. ' _Nothing flashy, and nothing noticeable. He'll find you and he'll hurt you! Again! No tee-shirts and no light jeans. That's what you wore. None of that. Not ever again. Dark clothes, dark, baggy clothes, hide yourself. Hide the evidence!'_

I finally decided on a pair of black sweats and a black sweatshirt with my colleges name on the front. I cringed as I put a tee shirt on underneath; it was just a plain gray, but it was the same color as Till's shirt, and the rag.

_'My blood curdling scream rang through my head. No! No! Stop! The pain. The feeling of him, the sound of his skin slapping against mine'._

_"STOP!"_ I screamed and digging my fingernails into the flesh covering my wrist as hard as I could. My lungs on fire and my mind was racing. I gasped loudly, as I felt my blood cascading down my wrist; but I just digged harder.

' _Stay here; Stay here. Don't think about it... The pain, Focus on this pain'.._

Another memory flashed behind my eyes, it was Ollie speaking, _'Its our first time smoking with you, it's kinda like initiation..'_ I felt the tears stream down my face.

My anguish instantly turned to petulance. I grabbed my clock from off my dresser and chucked it across the room. It smashed against the wall and made a sickening crack.

I walked over slowly to the other side of my room picking up the shattered pieces of my clock, completely disregarding the complete chaos that was present everywhere else in the room.

The main part of the clock landed in the heap of my wretched clothes in the corner of my room. _'Friday'_. I debated leaving it there but I really needed to see if the damn thing still worked. I held my breath as I quickly grabbed the remains of the clock; disgusted to see my pants dangling with it.

Something fell out of my pockets as I shook the pants to the floor. It was my phone. I quickly grabbed my phone from off the floor before before kicking the atrocious pants back into the corner.

Unsurprisingly, my phone was dead. So I quickly plugged it into my charger before throwing the pieces of broken clock onto my bed, removing my sweatshirt and walking into the bathroom to wash my hands and dress my bleeding wrist.

I turned on the hot water and I considered showering again, but if I showered I knew I wouldn't leave. The soap stung the deep scratches on my wrist and I winced in discomfort.

I ran some more hot water over anywhere the pants may have touched. _'Filthy! Filthy! Look at you! You're disgusting!"._ I cringed as wiped off my hands and put some bandaids on my wrist.

I stepped out of the bathroom and I heard a knock at the door. My blood ran cold, my heart stopped dead and my brain just started screaming. _'It's HIM!'_ I resisted the urge to run and settled for walking ever so slowly near the bed, making very sure I didn't make a single, sound. For all I knew that little sound could trigger my doom.

_"Christoph!_ It's me Richard! _Where are you?_ I've tried your phone god knows how many times, and you're nowhere! Please if you're in there, Please open up! I'm so worried about you! Listen, I heard about the fight you and Till got into on Friday and I know he wants to apologize! It's all a misunderstanding! _Please come out!._ Another barage of hard knocks plagued the door.

_'Fight?!, Apologize?! No! No!'_ I felt like I was going to explode. Richard whined a soft " _Christoph_ " before his footsteps rang down the hall becoming quieter the farther walked.

My mind was buzzing, I couldn't breathe. I slumped down against the wall desperately trying to take in air in between sobs. My world was shaking, my tower was crumbling further.

I screamed silently and I slammed a hard fist against my aching thighs. They instantly exploded into a rainbow of pain but I just kept hitting. _'I deserve this, it's my fault'._

It took me a long time to get a hold on my bearings. Eventually, I had locked my feelings deep within my chest again; right where they belong. I pulled myself up and grabbed my phone.

I turned it on and waited for the flood of messages from Richard. As soon as my lock screen showed up my phone instantly started going off, and it didn't stop for a good 5 minutes.

I unlocked my phone and saw the mess that was my inbox. It was full of messages and missed calls from everyone except Till. They were all pleading and begging me to come back to the party and that Till and I could work it out, and that they all wanted to me come back, and they pretty much stopped there, except for Richard.

His latest text was about 10 minutes ago. It read **_"I just came to your room but no one was there. Please Christoph. I'm worried about you"._**

I pulled my phone from off the charger and decided I needed to go outside. I needed some fucking cigarettes. It was already nauseatingly hot in my attire; but if I wasn't going to go out now I wouldn't ever go out.

I grabbed some money and went out the door. The walk to the store was a relatively short one but it was very nerve-wrecking to say the least. I was constantly looking over my shoulder making sure that he wasn't following.

I was utterly relieved when I had made it into the confines of the tiny gas station. Quickly requesting a pack of menthols and giving the man behind the counter my ID and my money. I bought a tiny little blue lighter as I wasn't smart enough to bring one of my own with me.

I gratefully took my change and my items and left. I could feel my heart beat rise slightly in anticipation as I packed the package down with the top of my hand. I couldn't focus on anything but the need for the blessed flood of nicotine into my system. I shook as I unwrapped the cellophane sleeve and ripped the silver layer off top of the cigarettes.

I quickly pulled one out of its snug spot and lit it with the tiny blue lighter. The familiar taste and smell engulfing my senses, numbing my brain and calming me down significantly.

I knew that I needed to show Richard some signal that I was alive so I pulled my phone out of my pocket and quickly called his phone. He answered after the second ring. _"Hello?!"_ he asked anxiously. I inhaled deeply before stating "Hey, I'm fine don't worry. After the.. Fight.. I went up to my parents for the weekend, and I left my phone in my dorm. I just got back and now I'm at the store cause I bought some cigs, so calm down I'm okay".

He sighed in relief and asked me which gas station I was at, I told him the name and he hung up. I sat on the edge of the curb smoking, stubbing out and lighting up a new one before I heard the engine of a car pull up beside me.

_"Get in,_ we're going for a drive" Richard said with a smile on his face. I smiled but my stomach was in my throat as I walked over to the passenger side door.

_Great.. Just Great._

 


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm shit at updating lately, but I saw Rammstein live at Jones Beach Amphitheater! 3 days ago and I'm living!!?

**_"The garden of my heart has been plucked, slashed and burned into oblivion. The exquisite and elegant prospect once blooming with ornate beauty; was now simply a haunting graveyard. A constant reminder of what could of been. One that I'm reminded of; with every unwavering beat". - 6/21/17_ **

Richard began to drive off and I couldn't help the sick feeling from rising in my stomach. My anxiety was off the charts and my heart was pounding. I kept taking long drags off my cigarette hoping that would calm down my quaking stomach.

I did nothing but spin my brain faster and made my hands shake. The farther we got to our unknown destination the more the unsettling feeling ate away at me.

Guilt.

As he sat there smiling as he sang obnoxiously to some horrible pop song on the radio; I tried my best to form a smile but I couldn't help the bile from rising in my throat. I lit up another cigarette and Richard turned off the radio.

He spoke softly and kept alternating between looking at me and the road. "What's wrong babe? Why do you seem so _off?"_. My heart fluttered at the nickname. But I quickly dismissed his suspicions.

" _Nothing!_ I'm fine!! Why would I be off? What makes you think that? I'm great babe." I rambled disheveledly. Meanwhile I continued trying to shove my guilt down with deep drags of menthol flavoured nicotine. He furrowed an eyebrow and stubbornly spoke again " _Seriously_ , Christoph what's wrong?".

I wanted to punch his stupid little stubborn face in for prying. _'Why couldn't he just leave it alone?'_. I threw my hands up in a last ditch effort to keep my facade strong, "Nothing Richard! I promise I'm just tired, cranky and hot and I'm not in the mood for _20 questions Richard edition_ okay?!" I snapped.

He backed off, his ego slightly bruised. He continued driving silently as I tried to keep my brain under control.

_'Are you sure you're fine staying here with Till, Christoph?'. The sinster crack of my nose beneath his fist. The way he was inside of me, violating me.'_

Tears pooled in my eyes and I quickly wiped them away; while I tried my best to control my breathing without arousing suspicion from Richard. After a few more silent minutes, we pulled into the parking lot of a local Chinese place. I shot Richard a look before speaking "Richard this is sweet, but I'm not hungry."

Little did he know I haven't eaten in the last three days. I really wasn't hungry, I just couldn't stomach the idea of food recently. Every time I'd try to eat, the memories come back and my stomach gets tight and I just can't eat.

He shot me a look of mild concern. His voice was light but I could tell he was worried when he spoke "Well you better get hungry, there pretty boy". I tried my best to muster up a laugh and a smile but I failed equally at both. Richard eventually coaxed me through the front door. Honestly, I just did it to humor him.

I smiled as Richard lead me to a booth that was already half full with people. It took my brain a minute to comprehend who was actually sitting there. Paul, Ollie, Flake, and oh my god Till. My brain instantly began screaming and I did everything I could from physically showing my duress.

_'NO! Get out of here now! What the fuck were these dumb bastards thinking?! Why is god doing this to me?'._ I tried to breath calmly as Richard lead me into the seat and I was face to face with my rapist. My brain was spinning, my heart was pounding, my hands were shaking and I was legitimately thinking about smashing my head into table so I could get out of this.

His eyes met mine and I could see the satisfaction in his eyes. The corners of his mouth twitched slightly into a grin and I was close to passing out. I inhaled a deep breath but it felt like I was drowning. My lungs were on fire and no matter how much I tried to breathe, I just couldn't.

Paul's stupid voice rung out in a chipper tone. " _Christoph_ , we know you still might be upset over the fight between you and Till... But we thought this was the best way to deal with it". I gripped my right thigh and dug into the healing slashes.

_'Pain.. Feel this pain. Stay here. Don't think.'_

_'His hands touching me. His moans filling the air, as he gained pleasure from ruining me. Cold. And filthy! Disgusting! Get off of me! He was doing this, he was really doing this to me'._

Richard's hand on my left arm brought me back to reality. I jumped slightly at his touch and I couldn't control my shaking.

A nice waiter came over and we ordered I our drinks before he momentarily returned and gave us them. I took a long drink of my water as Till began speaking "Look Christoph, I'm so sorry about the fight, I just was high and I didn't know what I was doing. I came here to apologize. Nothing else." His tone was insincere and cold.

_'Jesus fucking kill me now! Do it! Kill me!'_ Till locked eyes with me again and I couldn't take it. I needed to get out of here. My voice was trembling as I spoke "Richard, I need to use the bathroom, please move".

Richard shot me a look and I looked up to everyone but Till doing the same. I grew angry as I could feel the vomit rising in my throat and Richard didn't move. " _Richard_! I said fucking _move!_ ". All their expressions turned to utter concern as Richard finally moved out of the booth and I ran to the bathroom.

I was falling apart. My tower was shaking again. Even deep inside me, I could still feel the affects of its instability. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to end this all right now. I wanted to rip my lungs right out of my chest. I wanted to rip my chest open. I just needed some air.

I slammed the stall shut as I began to throw up the water I had just ingested. I could feel him inside of me. My body released everything I was feeling in one mind numbing wave after another.

I had long since emptied my stomach but my dry heaves didn't stop. My throat was on fire as my stomach tried desperately to empty what was no longer there. In between my wretches sobs escaped me.

Memory after memory flooded back into my brain. I pleaded silently with anyone, anything to make it stop. Low, whining sobs continued to escape my lips until I could finally get a hold of myself. I once again shoved it deep within me, under heavy lock and key.

I flushed the toliet and splashed cold water on my face and in my mouth. _'Breathe... Breathe'._ A heard the sound of the door opening and I jumped slightly not knowing who it could have been.

Thankfully it was just Ollie. He looked concerned and extremely panic-stricken. "Are you okay Christoph? You've got us all worried sick, especially Richard". I pulled on a fake smile and muttered a soft "I'm fine, I just got upset because I forgot I have this big paper due for world history, and I keep putting it off".

Ollie looked extremely unconvinced but he left it alone. He just pulled me into his long skinny frame and just held me. It was nice. I felt halfway safe, but my stomach ached from his grip. We let go and I shot him a thankful look.

"Let me know if you ever need to talk about your _history paper.._ I'm here for you. We're all here for you." he said softly. I smiled and inhaled deeply as we walked out of the bathroom together.

Everyone had piles of food in front of them and were quietly munching. Richard's face light up at my return. He gently moved in and sat my plate in front of me. "I got you veggie lo mein because I know that's your favorite. Hopefully that's okay".

I nodded slightly and his hand ran over my thigh lovingly. I hated myself for instantly thinking of pulling away. But I'm glad I didn't. He had no idea, what was concealed under my jeans. All the pain. All the shame. It was all mine.

He smiled brightly as I slipped my hand in his and he squeezed tightly. We all quietly ate our meals in between small bunches of conversation. I kept myself from looking at Till a majority of the time, as that was the only way I could keep myself from vomiting all over the table.

Eventually we all finished and Paul beamed "See wasn't this _great_?". Everyone except me made sounds of enjoyment. I just smiled. We all piled into Richard's car and I was happy when Richard let me ride shotgun and stuffed the other four in the back to suffocate.

Paul whined like a small child about having to sit on Ollie's lap but Richard and I just laughed. Richard dropped them all off at their dorms before driving me to mine. Despite me stating I could walk mutiple times.

Richard pulled up to the front entrance and I smiled softly. "I'm sorry about the freaking out and yelling at you, I just got overwhelmed". He dismissed my comment with a wave of his hand.

I was about to open the door when Richard grabbed my hand stopping me. My heart raced in fear, instantly adding to my ever-growing list of reasons to hate myself.

"You need to play cello for me again sometime. Last time was _amazing_. I love hearing you play". My mind instantly rushed back to the composer project we were assigned together on. We were studying the composer we were assigned when he stumbled upon a piece for cello and basically pestered the shit out of me until I played for him.

To me it sounded pitchy and rough as my fingers glided over the strings in ununease. Occasionally making a small error, making my brain scream in need for correction. But I did not stop. He was beaming the entire time, it was encouraging and exhilarating all the same.

My heart fluttered and I finally felt the first small rush of normalcy since that night. Richard pressed a soft kiss to my cheek and I blushed deeply.

I got out and Richard called out softly "See you in Music Theory". And I waved goodbye as his car roared to life and he drove away.

I made my way up to my dorm room. Instantly peeling off my clothes and jumping into another scalding hot shower.

 


	8. Chapter 7

_**"The colors of my world have been robbed from me. My rose colored glasses have been shattered. I'm forced to look at the world as it is now. It is gray and bleek and blurry; devoid of everything and anything." - 6/17/17** _

The next couple of days flew by, and it was Friday again. I think I finally brought myself back to reality, by working my way through the initial shock of the first week.

I've gone to my classes, but I haven't learned anything. I'm too busy trying to block out that night, I can't focus on anything for more than 3 seconds. If I try to focus and listen to what any of my professors are saying; the thoughts, they start to creep back in. I can feel his hands, and I can hear the daunting _'tic'_ of the clock in the back of my mind.

I was never good at coping, I would always try to deal with it as best I could, but I needed someone to confide in. But now, I need someone more than ever and I'm all alone.

Strong winds are blowing through the gaping holes in my tower. The ones that I never worried about, the holes I never fixed are starting to give way. My bricks that I never thought about replacing are wore and can't support my tower much longer. They're cracking, and my tower is shaking, and I'm stuck at the top watching as each gust of wind tips my tower. Knowing that at any minute, it could all come crashing down.

My skin is aching from the amount of times I've scrubbed it so deep it's bleeding; but its not deep enough. He's still there. My hands won't stop shaking, it's as if my whole body is feeling the vibrations of my crumbling tower.

I haven't slept in 4 days, because he's in my head. He's been in my head for a week now and he shows no sign of leaving. As the number of my nightmares, flashbacks and physical body tics increase; so does the wear on my febile, disheveled brain.

As the number of days I go without sleep increase so do the number of slashes on my thighs. I can't find anything else to fix it. I can't fix it, but I can numb the pain. _He broke me_ and he stole pieces of myself from me. Pieces that I never knew I needed until now.

It's so funny because you never stop to think about how many things there are that make up, you as a person. Everything works together as a machine, and you never release how valuable all your parts are until you don't have them all. There's no way you can replace them. There's no way you can get them back.

_'So what are you left to do?'_

I need help. _I need it._

-

I was shaking and on the verge of physical collapse when I walked through the doors of the guidance wing.

I instantly thought about forgetting this whole idea and just going back to my dorm to sleep until next lesson. As I was already half an hour late for Studio Art so there was no point in going anyway. But I knew I couldn't sleep. I just don't know what else to do.

This whole situation is wrecking my brain and shoving me closer and closer of the edge of insanity. I opened the door to the counseling office and I was hit with a rush of cool air and the smell of books and air freshener.

A polite but concerned looking lady at the front desk spoke suddenly causing me to jump internally. "What do you need sweetheart?". I looked down at the ground and sheepishly said "I need someone to talk to, I don't know who that would be but.."

I glanced up and she smiled sweetly before stating "Go right around that corner, ask for a woman named Kayla, she'll help you out sweetie". I smiled softly and followed her request.

I was met face to face with a soft, sweet looking woman with curly dark brown hair, hazel eyes and light brown skin, her smile was sweet but I was still very much intimidated. She was confident and I was scared.

"Hello, how can I help you?" she spoke kindly and I felt my face get hot with humiliation over the fact I had let myself get this far and embarrass myself.  My voice was caught in my throat and my anxiety was so high I thought my heart was going to explode from how fast it was beating.

She gave me a curious but understanding look before speaking sweetly again. "Well why don't you take a seat right here and I'll get you some water okay?". I nodded slightly kicking myself in the ass a thousand times over for ever coming here.

_'What was I thinking!? I can't tell anyone! It'll hurt Till and my friends and I love them all so much, and it'll ruin his life!! What if they hate me? What if they never talk to me again? Why do I have to ruin their lives like this?! Why is this happening to me!'_

The lady came back with a cup of water and a sympathetic smile. I took a sip and I smiled softly as to thank her. She smiled again and asked softly "So what's your name honey?". I urgently shook my head no.

She looked puzzled and worried and I hated myself even more for making some random lady worry about me. She opened up some drawers in her desk and pulled out a notepad and a pen and said cheerfully "You don't talk much do you?".

I took the pen and the paper gratefully and wrote down the simple words " **not anymore** ". Her facial expression dropped slightly and her voice took on a more serious tone, "What do you need to talk about honey?".

I inhaled deeply and wrote out " **something bad. I don't know what to do** ". Her eyes lowered and her demeanor was filling with more and more distressed curiosity by the second. "What was it? I'm here to help you." I averted her gaze and shakily wrote out **"I need to talk about it but I can't** ".

Her voice was becoming quieter and quieter every time she spoke. "Honey how about this? I'll guess some things and you tell me yes or no okay?". I unwillingly nodded my head.

"Is someone bullying you?" I shook my head no. "Is someone hitting you?" I shook my head no again. "Did someone sexually harass you?". I waited a minute before shaking my head again. "Did someone sexually assault or rape you?".

I didn't do anything, I just froze and my eyes began welling with tears. Her facial expression dropped to one full of sympathy. "Was it a man or a woman honey?". I wrote down on the notepad " **man** ". She questioned me again "Did he rape you?".

" **Yes** ". She cleared her throat and spoke again "Do you know the man who attacked you?". " **Yes** ". "What was his name so I can report him to the police and we can m-" I interrupted her sentence by getting up and running out the door. She called after me and tried to catch me but I just kept running. 

 _'No! No police! Stupid idiot! Look what you've done! You're so fucking stupid how could you do this?'_ I ran from the guidance wing all the way to my dorm on the other side of campus.

I quickly ran through the doorway and locked it behind me finally stopping to take a breath when I knew I couldn't be found. I opened the window to my dorm room. Carelessly lighting up a cigarette completely disregarding the "no smoking rule" in the dorms.

I tried to catch my breath as the situation that just played out in front of me repeated in the back of my mind.

 _"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"_ I mumbled hitting myself in the face a couple of times before taking a couple more drags off my cigarette and throwing it out the window.

I quickly changed into something different in case Kayla tried to find me. I grabbed my cello and began to walk to the auditorium for my lesson with Mr. Haner.

 


	9. Chapter 8

**_"I'm burning; but no one tries to put me out. They just watch in excitement as I burned higher than they'd ever seen. I was a spectacle for all their eyes to glue to." - 9/29/17_ **

As I stood two feet from the doorway, I regretted everything all over again. I keep regretting _every_ move I make. And I'm so afraid that I will ruin this too.

My cello was the thing that made me happy when I had no other reason to be. It gave me confidence when I had none. There was something about it that gave me a rush. The way the strings vibrated under my fingers, the way I felt the vibrato in my heart. The way I loved landing that difficult shift from second position to fifth in 2 notes. Listening to the note ring out, perfectly in tune from under my fingers; it made my heart race.

I was so afraid to lose _that_.

_'What happens if I play it now and I somehow discover something that brings the memories with it? What happens if I ruin the only thing I have left to love?'_

My stomach was stirring but my heart rate was surprisingly stable. Despite the tranquil façade my body was experiencing, I was completely terrified. I inhaled deeply before forcing my legs to propel me forward. 

My anxiety was ringing in my ears and my legs were on the verge of folding under the weight of me. Mr. Haner yelled excitedly at my arrival, from his seat in the front row. " _Christoph!_ My _shining_ protégé! I hope you're ready to dazzle me with your dynamics!".

_'Is it too late to throw myself down and fake a seizure? How about a heart attack? Or maybe an_ _aneurysm_ _?'_

I walked up the tiny staircase to the stage; pathetically attempting to stay emotionally stoic as world war three erupted inside my brain.

I quickly unlatched the case of my cello, my heart quickly gaining speed and slamming against my ribs. I grabbed my cello and bow with shaky hands. I raised the endpin and shuttered softly as tested the pitch of the strings.

The pitches of the strings were slightly off but it's to be expected with minimal use over the last week.

"Christoph we're starting off with Arioso! Cantata 156!  I need _expression_ and I need _feeling_! Whatever this song means to you bring it! Channel your inner most emotions and bring it all out. Pour out your soul through your cello! Make me feel it!" ranted Mr. Haner.

I felt my fingers shake as I inhaled sharply and played the opening note. Mr Haner looked unimpressed so I shut my eyes. I had memorized this piece forwards and backwards. Every scale, every shift in position, every articulate fingering was perfected to a T.

_'Breathe.. You know this Christoph.. Don't think.. Play, feel, anything'._ The cello sat between my thighs. I could feel the vibration of the strings, the sound radiating through the hollow instrument; creating something so beautiful and serene.

I could feel tears streaming down my face from under my shut eyes, I inhaled deeply as I began the upscale. _'The tic of the clock was in the back of my mind, the sound of my pants being unzipped. The sound of his pants hitting the floor'._

I just kept breathing and playing through the flashback, my hands became less fluid and more abrupt and my bowing became heavier and faster. My accents were heavier. By the ending my fingers were aching and so was my wrist and my face was stained with tears.

Mr. Haner was silent and he just had an emotionless look on his face. I feel like I had failed him so I let out another strangled sob.

" _Christoph_! That was... _Amazing_! That was just what I was looking for! You have finally felt _it_! That was so expressive and emotional and dramatic! I have chills from your playing! _Bravo! Bravo!_ " he called out while clapping like a mad man.

I tried to see his face among the lights but they were blinding. "I want all of my classes to come in and hear you play Monday! I'll write you a pass so you're out of your classes. You're a star Christoph! _You were made for this!_ You have finally tapped into your potential! The sky is the limit with you my little protégé".

I tried to smile but I couldn't bring myself too. _'I had to play in front of everyone? All eyes on me, watching, waiting, judging. Jesus I couldn't do it! What was he thinking!?.'_

My chest was tightening by the second, with each strangled exhale my ribs grew tighter, it felt like my throat was swelling shut. _'I need to breathe!'_ Mr. Haner's pleas of concern turned to white noise as I messily set my cello down on its side.

My legs were trembling and I was fighting for every weak, fervent gasp. I made a febile attempt at pleading, it came in the form of the softest " _help me_ " that ever graced my lips.

I took one last look into the blinding light and then it was dark.

_'My tower is crumbling, it's slipping through my hands and I'm powerless to stop it'._


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second update today aHHH! Here's some cute shit to make up for all the darkness I'm shoving Christoph through.

**_"I had gotten so accustomed to living in the dark, I forgot what it was like to see the light" - 2/19/17_ **

I tried to pry my eyes open enough to get a good look at my surrondings, but they were heavy with sleep and the only light I had was the moon peeking in from the windows. This bed was foreign to me, the sheets smelled of clean linen mixed with the subtle hint of cigarettes.

I threw the sheets off of me and began to crawl to the side of the bed before an arm grabbed me around my waist and pulled me to them. I jumped slightly but relaxed when they whispered softly " _Baby,_ don't go. Come here".

I recognized the voice as Richard's. He pulled me against his bare chest and shivered against his warmth. He giggled softly before whispering again "What's wrong gorgeous? Do you need some warming up?". He climbed between my legs and I trembled as his bare skin touched mine.

His lips hovered inches over mine. I could feel his warm breath on my face. I mumbled out a soft "kiss me" before he complied with my request. His lips were soft and I melted more and more with every passing second. He kissed me again and I tangled my fingers in his hair.

His tongue met mine and I moaned against his lips. His mouth against mine was pure ecstasy. It's as if he was a fire melting away my woes, opening me up and showing me the exquisite elegance of warmth. I was coming undone by the simple action of kissing him.

He broke the kiss to grind his hips against mine and I moaned, as a shot of electricity ran through my body. I gripped his back as he littered my neck with hickeys.

He detached himself from me before messily removing his boxers. I felt his hands at my hips and I raised my hips slightly as he pulled mine off.

He pulled the blanket off from us and my heart fluttered as his eyes scanned my naked body and he spoke. "You're so beautiful Christoph". I was glad it was so dim in the room so he wouldn't see the blush covering my cheeks.

He pulled the blanket over us again and I keeled as I was engulfed in warmth again. His hands were ever so slowly making their way down my body. One laid in the small of my back and the other just inches from where I needed him.

"Touch me, _please_ ". I whimpered breathlessly. His hand gripped my sensitive flesh and I moaned as his hand made its way over me. I felt his erection against my thigh and I pulled him in for a heated kiss.

" _Richard, oh my god Richard_ " I whined when he sped up the movement of his hand considerably. He began sucking on my neck and I knew I wasn't going to last long.

My eyes rolled in the back of my head as his ecstasy was engulfing my senses. His sucking became biting, very hard biting. "Richard that hurts, ease up _please_ ". I whispered my ecstasy fading considerably. Richard didn't stop and nor did he respond.

"Richard come on, _enough_ " I said as I pushed Richard off of me and I nearly screamed in terror. It wasn't Richard. It was Till. Till grabbed me by my throat and I tried to escape his grasp.

 _"No! No Till! Leave me alone! Stop!_ _"_ I ground out under the weight of his hand. I was thrashing my body all around trying to get away. Till's eyes held nothing short of glee. His smile was wide as ever and I tried to scream as he stuck his fingers in his mouth. His voice was cold and menacing as he spoke "This time you're gonna watch me have my way with you."

A stifled scream graced my lips as he pried my legs open and held them with his knees. I was clawing at his arms trying to keep them away from me.

His hand kept coming closer to my body. I choked out a sob as I felt his fingers push in my body.

_"No! No! NO!"_

I was awoken by a lady shaking me and looking over me with a worried look plastered on her face. My body was covered in a cold sweat and I struggled to catch my breath. "Take it easy honey, _you're okay_ , it was just a dream. Do you know where you are?".

I shook my head no and her mouth pressed into a thin line. "You're at the nurse, you had a pretty nasty fainting spell on the stage during your lesson. You hit your head pretty hard so Mr. Haner let you stay here and rest a bit."

My head was pounding. It felt like someone had just beaten my skull in. "W-what time is it? And can I have some medicine please" I asked like a small child. She returned with a clear plastic cup and some medicine. "It's 4:11" she stated simply. I quickly took them before discarding the now empty cup in the trash can.

"You're going to want a lot of rest. Is there anyone you can call to walk with you back to your dorm?". I nodded my head slightly before dialing up Richard.

After the first couple of rings he picked up "Hello?". "Hi Richard, I'm at the nurse will you come get me?" I asked my voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. " _Nurse?!_ Why what happened? Are you okay?" he asked his voice full of concern. 

"Yes don't worry hon, I'll tell you about it on the way home okay?". I said sighing. He said yes and we quickly exchanged goodbyes. No less than 5 minutes later Richard was practically running into the nurses office, looking like a complete wreck before laying eyes on me.

He sat on the edge of the small cot with me and he pulled me into him. My head was splitting but I felt so warm and so safe with him in that moment, I never wanted it to end.

"So he's okay? I can take him home?" Questioned Richard. She responded with a simple but nagging "Yes you can, but if your headache persists or if you develop new symptoms call me because it could be signs of a concussion. You had a nasty fall honey".

_'Yes, we know I'm a dainty accident prone broad. Blah blah blah.'_

Richard looked like he was about to pass out as she said the word concussion. But nonetheless walked me out of the nurses building and into his car. He began the short drive to my dorm as we discussed today's previous events.

I brushed it off as a minor panic attack and a faint spell and said nothing about the nightmare. Richard grabbed my hand and pressed a kiss to the top of it making my heart flutter.

"Richard.." I began wearily. He mumbled a small "hmm" in return. "D-do you think I could stay at yours tonight? I don't want to be alone tonight." I stumbled through my question like an idiot.

Richard's lips raised into a goofy smile as he responded with a simple "Of course you can Christoph". Richard quickly turned around and not much was said the entire way to his place. I just smoked a cigarette while Richard drove. He quickly intertwined our fingers and I looked down at our connected hands in happiness.

I offered Richard a cigarette and he muttered a cute line that made me smile from ear to ear. "I need a free hand in order to smoke and both mine are preoccupied at the moment" .

We pulled into his dorm. South Hall. We took the elevator to the 4th floor and he lead me to his room. **'427'.** He had a single dorm like me, leading to wonder who's dorm room the party took place in. I didn't wanna think about that so I quickly dismissed the thought.

Richard locked the door and removed his jacket and his shirt. Richard showed me around the tiny little place and it was so cozy and it smelt like him. He showed me his tiny little bathroom and his closet where he had more snacks than clothes. He had a tv and numerous movies scattered around.

"I'm sorry about the mess, I wasn't expecting company" he said nervously while picking up dirty clothes from off the floor. I dismissed his worries with a wave of my hand.

"Do you want to shower? Or something?" he asked nervously. I nodded my head. So he gathered me a pair of his pajamas and a towel before he left me alone in the bathroom. I took the quickest shower I had in a long time. There was no excessive scrubbing or screaming fits or bouts of rage turned to hacking at my legs endlessly. It was just a shower, and I wasn't quite sure how to feel about it.

I dried off my body and gratefully dressed into his pajamas. It was just an old t-shirt and a pair of sweats but they were _his_ and I loved them. Richard was laying on his bed, shirtless, eating a bag of chips, mindlessly watching tv when I walked out.

He whistled and patted the spot next to him on the bed eagerly. I smiled sweetly and obliged. He offered me the chips but I turned them down so he put them away. He quickly went to the bathroom before turning out the light and laying under the covers with me again.

We watched some random show for god knows how long while Richard cuddled up to me. He was warm and his arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him was heaven. I turned around to face him.

He pulled me into him again so my chest was against his and he was looking into my eyes. My heart skipped a beat as he leaned up and kissed my forehead. His eyes scanned my face before he rested a hand gently against my cheek.

My breath caught in my throat as his actions and he smiled. He leaned in and his lips connected with mine. His lips were everything I imagined them to be. I kissed him again and again and again. Our kiss never escalated, it was just that; sweet, simple kissing. I loved it so much.

Richard breathing was heavy along with mine when we finally broke away from each other. I giggled and whispered "You taste like chips you loser".

And with that we fell into a fit of laughter than seemed to last forever. Our attention was directed to the television, once again as we watched some random movie Richard had seen a thousand times before but I had never even heard of.

For the first time since that night, I wasn't afraid to sleep, I wasn't afraid of dreams or nightmares. I had Richard.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is w i l d.

_**"Sleeping was always my escape, but then suddenly it wasn't. There was no safety, no place to crawl away too. There was nowhere. He had invaded every inch of my brain. I was stuck, struggling to choose. Stay awake and be silent? Or fall asleep and relive it?" -1/04/17** _

Waking up in a bed unfamiliar to me carried both waves of comfort and unease. It was new and unfamiliar, so the memories of him didn't cling onto the sheets. They did not smell of me so I didn't worry about smelling him. They smelt like Richard and that was okay.

_'But had I said something in my sleep? Had I given too much away with my body language or my sleep positions? Did he know? Had I screamed out his name in my sleep but I couldn't recall it? What do I do now?'._

I laid in bed for a minute or two before rolling over to face Richard. He looked at me through half lidded eyes, they were heavy with sleep but none the less still striking. He pulled me against him and I reveled in his warmth and comforting scent. "How are you feeling this morning sweetheart?" he asked sweetly before yawning.

"I'm feeling like I could do this all day." I said burrowing myself deeper into his warm embrace. He sighed in content and stuck a soft, cold hand up the back of my shirt. I shivered in discomfort and tried to control my breathing as he drew soft shapes in my skin.

_'This is Richard. Just let yourself feel good for once. Feel it, feel the comfort and the affection'._ I hated Till for ruining something that would normally make my heart explode in ecstasy. Richard pressed a long, sweet kiss to my lips. My heart sped up as his other hand made it to the front of my shirt caressing and touching my skin.

His lips separated from mine and he leant down to my ear and whispered "Can I take your shirt off? I want to see what you look like." I was nervous as all hell and my mind was screaming but I slowly nodded my head.

He pulled my shirt over my head and I looked down at my body. It was littered with bruises and irritation from long nights of arduous scrubbing. Tears pricked my eyes and I looked away in disgust. Richard's eyes were filled with worry and he was silent.

"I need to go". I said throwing the sheets off of me and turning away from Richard. He grabbed my hand and protested. "Please stay.. _Please_ ". Hot tears were streaming down my face as I slowly turned to face him.

He wiped my tears away and stared into my eyes. " _Christoph.._ You're _so beautiful_. Why are you hurting yourself like this?".

The answer was on the tip of my tongue.

_'Till! Ask Till! Make him tell you what he did to me!'_. A sob escaped my lips and I avoided his gaze. " _Because.. I-I'm gross_ ". He put a finger under my chin and forced me to look at him. " _Oh baby..._ You're not gross. You're so beautiful. _So so_ beautiful". He cooed gently.

He inhaled deeply and spoke again. "If I take off your pants, am I going to see more marks?". I mentally debated lying to him but I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere. I hesitantly nodded my head.

Richard cooed another set of nicknames and began undoing the waist string holding my pants up. A part of me wanted to kick and scream and run from him, but the other part of me needed him to know, so I just stayed silent as more tears fell like rain.

He pulled the plush sleep pants over my thighs and down my legs and off my body. His eyes were glued to the angry, red slashes littering my thighs. I had lost it. I just started sobbing uncontrollably.

"D-don't look anymore Richard! I'm ugly! Stop looking please I'm so disgusting and gross! God I'm so _filthy_!" I sobbed out pulling my legs up to my chest.

Richard tried grabbing my arm and I screamed at him " _Don't touch me!_ It'll get on you!" I just kept sobbing and rocking back and forth. My heart was aching and I couldn't breathe. I just locked myself in that position and stayed that way.

Richard dialed someone on the phone but I was too busy having a breakdown to comprehend the situation. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door and my blood ran cold. I grabbed the blanket and threw it over me.

No one else needed to see me.

_'You're disgusting! Absolutely repulsive! How could you ever let him see you like that? You're worthless! You've gone and ruined him just like you!'_

I kept sobbing and rocking underneath the blanket. A weight shifted onto the bottom of the bed and a voice rang out that wasn't Richard's. " _Christoph_.. It's me. Can you come out from underneath the blanket for me?" asked Ollie calmly.

" _N-No!_ I'm nasty I don't want you to see me like this! It's bad enough Richard already saw me! _I'm hideous!_ He probably hates me now! I messed everything all up! _I always do!_ ". I said wiping my tears off my face with the back of my hand.

Ollie spoke again. "Christoph come on out please. Richard isn't here.. It's just me now okay? I promise".  I felt like my heart was about to explode. I pulled the blanket from off my head and I was met face to face with a concerned looking Ollie.

I looked around the room afraid that Richard would come back in and see me. "See I told you honey. Its just me. Now Richard told me you had some marks? Can I see them?". I shook my head hard.

Ollie's eyebrows furrowed. "Why not?" he asked sweetly. "Because they're nasty! I hate them! I hate him! I hate me! I'm disgusting! _He ruined me!_ And now Richard hates me because he sees that I'm nasty too!". I said stuffing my head in my hands.

Ollie crawled over to my slouched form on the bed. His eyes were on me and his face was completely calm. "Who ruined you baby? How are you ruined?". I shook my head hard again.

I can't breathe. I can't do this.

_I could feel his hands lingering on my body. I could feel him. I could hear his voice and his ungodly panting. 'Make it stop!'_

I grabbed my wrist and dug my fingers deep into the healing flesh. My wrist was screaming but I kept digging. Ollie shouted my name and tried to pry my hands apart. He pinned my hands above my head.

I felt my world crash again. ' _Was Ollie going to hurt me like Till?'._ I crossed my legs and started screaming.  " _No! No!_ Please don't hurt me! Please I'm so sorry! Please _not again!_ Don't please!" I lost control of my brain and started crying somewhere in the middle.

Ollie grabbed my face with his free hand and spoke surprisingly calm. "Christoph! It's okay! _It's Ollie I'm not gonna hurt you!_ Sweetheart you're safe. You're okay." His words were enough to calm me down.

Ollie released my hands and the first thing I did was jump into his arms. I felt so safe with him. I needed him to protect me from them. He cooed into my ear and rubbed my back as I cried into his shoulder.

His hands ghosted over the angry slashes on my thighs. "What happened to you baby? Who hurt you?". I just cried harder. I cried into his shoulder until I felt that I couldn't cry anymore.

"I want to be normal again Ollie, I hate living like this". I spoke my voice trembling awfully. Ollie sighed and looked into my eyes. "Sweetheart what happened to you?". I didn't answer the question I just avoided his gaze and stared at the floor.

"Do you think Richard thinks I'm weird now? I really like him and I think I just messed it all up. I mean who would wanna date me? As you can see I'm clearly not all here." I said shaking slightly. Ollie pulled me into him and whispered in my ear.

"Of course not honey. I'm going to be completely honest with you. Richard likes you a lot. He was so worried about you when you got upset he called me. That's why I'm here. And I'm sure he'd love to see you again and know that you're okay. None of what just happened changes any of the feelings he has for you." I smiled softly and crawled off Ollie's lap and reached for the bed sheet.

I felt my world coming together again. Like the calm after the storm. I laid up against the pillow. "Ollie I'm okay now. I'd like to see Richard. Is that okay?". Ollie smiled and told me he was going to go fetch him.

After a long couple of minutes Richard re-entered his room with a soft smile on his face. He sat down next to me and Ollie walked through the doors a few moments later. I put my arms out and Richard crawled into the bed and scooped me into his arms.

_Warm and safe. I was warm and safe. Heaven._

I mumbled a quiet "I'm sorry for scaring you Richard". And he just pressed a small kiss to my lips. He smelt like cigarettes and expensive cologne. I melted into his warmth and I just wanted nothing more than to go back to bed and pretend that this morning didn't start the way it did.

" _Baby?_ " Richard cooed pleasantly. I hummed in response and pulled myself deeper into him. "Please tell me what happened to you". I pulled on the most sincere smile I could muster and spoke as calmly as I could. "Nothing babe I'm totally okay. I just got upset over nothing."

He looked completely unconvinced. "It's not nothing if it made you upset.". He spoke almost condescendingly. My façade was faltering. His hands brushed against my slashes making me cringe in disgust. "Tell me please". He urged again his fingers fully tracing the long slashes in my skin.

_'They can't know! It'll ruin everything! Everyone will hate you! Run! Run now!'_

I pushed myself off of Richard and quickly dressed in my clothes and shoes. I tried to run for the door but Ollie caught me and pulled me into his arms. _"Let me go! Let me go!_ I can't tell you! Please let me go home!" I screamed at the top of my lungs trying to wrench myself from Ollie's grasp.

I felt so bad but I needed to get away. I stomped on Ollie's foot and he released me with a shout of pain. I ran out the door and I felt Richard's hands graze the back of my clothing just barely missing me.

"I'm sorry Ollie!" I yelled while running down the halls only running faster as the footsteps behind me became two pairs. Richard and Ollie kept shouting at me, telling others to stop me but I just kept running.

I needed to get to my dorm then I could sleep and I could be alright. _Run. Dorm. Sleep. That's all._ Their pleas for help went unanswered as I made it to the main entry and kept running.

_North Hall. North Hall. North Hall._ The footsteps behind me eventually subsided but I didn't stop running. I didn't stop running when I made it through the halls or up the five flights of stairs.

When I had finally seen the numbers 508 I knew I was home. I unlocked the door with shaking hands and locked it before shoving one of my chairs in front of it.

I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and removed the battery so it would stop ringing. I knew they would be coming soon. I sat in the corner of my room and waited for a barrage of knocking on my door that would go unanswered.

_I'm home. I am home. So why don't I feel safe?_


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with more depressing Schnitty.

**_"I quickly found out that isolation was the only way I could keep myself from getting hurt. But what happens when you're hurting and no one is around to see it? What do you do when you've dug yourself a hole and you can't climb out because there's no one there to grab your hand? What happens when the person that's hurting you is yourself? What do you do then?" - 10/09/17_ **

I always knew my coping mechanisms we're complete shit, but they're just escalating to a whole new level of ignorant chaos. I haven't stopped drinking or smoking; and I'm pretty this streak of blatant self destruction will be enough to kill me.

_Or hopefully it will be._

I tapped into the few bottles of vodka and rum I had stored away for a rainy day. Taking swig after swig as the plain, straight, alcohol burnt its way down my throat; landing in my stomach with extreme discomfort, threatening to make me vomit all over my desk. I ran out of real cigarettes hours ago but it hasn't stopped me from smoking the clips of old cigarettes right down to the filter.

In my drunken stupor I thought briefly about going to the store and buying more, but I couldn't risk the chance of Richard and Ollie somehow passing by and scooping me up and forcing me to reveal _everything_.

I can't speak. I just _can't_. But I need to get it out. _I want to, but I can't._ I'm left to play charades, dropping endless hints hoping that someone figures out what's wrong with me so I don't have to say anything.

But here I am. I'm stuck. I'm so confused and I'm so afraid. I can't seem to wrap my brain around it, yet it's all my brain can focus on. I'm in a deadlock with my brain and my body.

_I'm not coping,_ I'm not coping in the least bit. I'm spending all my time and energy trying to run away from it. I can't deal with it. I can't live with it. Knowing that _it_ happened. _To me._

_I can't fathom it._

Sitting in between these four blank walls is driving me insane. I can see him all over, and I could feel him intertwining with me. _Clinging_ onto me, draining me more and more with every second.

I want to vanish into thin air. I want everyone to forget me. I wish I could just stop existing. I don't even know if I want to die, but I just want to give up all this pain, and stress. I needed to just put my life on pause so I could gather myself.

It's as if I'm dangling off the edge of a building. I could feel my fingers slowly giving way. The cold metal does nothing as I struggle to grip it with my sweaty hands. Everything is working against me. Gravity, Friction and Time. All were forming the perfect team _against_ me. I was destined to fail; and below me stretching down endlessly, was the abyss.

I kept fighting to hold tight to the ledge, but a deep sinking part of me, wanted to stop fighting it. _To just give up._ It'd be so much easier, everyone's life would be better off without me. I wouldn't hurt and every waking moment wouldn't feel like a lifetime. It would be serine, perfect and everlasting. A place with no problems, just peace.

_'Give in. Do it. End it all. Make their lives easier, spare them the pain. You're the messenger of their lives, you're going to hand deliver their pain. You will always be the one that ruined their lives for them. You'll ruin Till's life. Even worse you'll ruin Richard's.'_

I remained shaking slightly in my seat as I held a pencil in my hand and my sketchbook lay untouched underneath. _I needed to feel._ I couldn't write because I couldn't find the words. I couldn't play because I couldn't find the emotions. The only other thing I can do is draw.

I can just take everything I'm feeling and put it on there. It doesn't need to make sense, not to anyone but me; because with art there are no rules. No rights or wrongs. Just expression, _and hopefully an escape_.

My pencil lay virtually motionless upon the paper. I was afraid to begin. I was afraid to move. Apprehension laid heavy on my shoulders. I took another few mouthfuls of the vodka, cringing as the taste overwhelmed my senses. Before wiping the rest of the vile substance off of my top lip with the back of my hand.

When you make the first line it's like you've destroyed it. You've engrained a mark into the pristine white canvas. _You've ruined it._ No amount of erasing can bring you back to that perfectly untouched piece of paper. You may have gotten the color of the graphite out but you didn't remove the mark. The paper still carries the indentation from the pencil; and if you look closely enough or skim your fingertips over the paper you'll find that, the mark is still there right below the surface.

I searched for a clip among the plethora  
of cigarette butts that littered the ashtrays I had surrounding my desk. I found one and quickly lit it, inhaling the burning smoke into my lungs. The taste and the scent from the cigarettes paired with the vodka was almost too much for my stomach to handle.

I took another long drag and my stomach dropped as another memory flashed behind my eyes. _'I could feel my world slowing as my blood dripped down my face, from my nose. I could feel the sting of his hand colliding with my face. The couches material was rough as it rubbed hard against my skin. My blood mixed with the material and stained it. I screamed out in pain and fear and the cloth was shoved into my mouth. He kept shoving it impossibly deeper. I was so close to choking on it. There was so many scents colliding, so many different things going on. I was struggling to process what was happening. "Why didn't he just leave me alone? Why did he do that to me?! Why did he_ _rape_ _me? Why couldn't he have just killed me instead? Why did he force me to live like this?"._

I struggled to catch my breath. I felt like I was being gagged with the cloth again but there was nothing there. _'Get ahold of yourself Christoph!'._ I thought of my cello, I carefully replayed countless pieces in my head hoping that that would at least block something out. _Nothing_.

My heart raced and I couldn't catch my breath. I held the cigarette butt in my fingertips. _I could feel his hands gripping my throat. I could feel him jerking my arms back. Forcing himself into me. His spit covering me and mixing with my blood. He ripped me open and ruined everything I was. I am dirty and I am disgusting._

Without thinking, I took the cigarette butt and pressed the burning hot tip into the underside of my left forearm. I choked back a scream as instant, searing pain shot through my body. Everything in my body was telling me to pull the heat away from my skin. But I didn't. I watched it smolder against my arm as tears pricked my vision.

When I finally did, ash covered my arm and a crescent-shaped burn laid sunken into my skin. A foul smell permeated the air and turned my stomach further. I grabbed another cigarette and lit it up. Taking a drag before putting it out on my arm, about an inch away from the previous mark. It hurt less this time, I was prepared for the pain this time and I reveled in the fact _I_ was causing myself pain, no one else.

I repeated the cycle for quite a while, taking large glups of vodka and rum in succession to my self-mutilation. I stared at the marks littering my arm. They radiated pain and discomfort but I was in love with them. My body winced and I nearly threw up as I ran my finger over each one; painstakingly feeling every groove and indent in my scorched skin.

The ashes from the cigarettes laid in my burns but I simply brushed off what I could. I blew air onto them feeling a momentary lapse of comfort before my skin ached once again. I winced as I pulled my shirt sleeve over the marks.

I breathed deeply before picking up my pencil from its abandoned place on my desk. I knew what I was going to draw.

I was going to draw fire.

_Lots and lots of fire._


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in like 20 years ugh,,,

_**"I don't think I'll ever move on. I feel like I'm stuck in this wasteland of my mind. I'm not getting better, and I didn't think it could get much worse, but somehow it just does. I can't move forward and I can't go back. I'm just sinking; deeper and deeper with every passing second" - 7/3/17** _

I can't breathe. My chest is so tight and my stomach is flipping due to my wonderful diet of alcohol and cigarettes. I can't remember the last time I've actually eaten anything. I know I need to eat but I don't have the energy and I'm just not hungry.

I feel like I'm going insane. I'm a wreck. I just don't know how to cope with anything. I just keep drawing. I don't even know what day it is anymore. As the days pass I just keep sketching the same scene repeatedly.

It's a house, mid-burn. I've captured the most crucial moment of any fire. It's right as the house becomes completely engulfed in flame. The house is burning, but the family that lives inside is praying that there will be something to save.

_There isn't._

They're hoping that the firemen will put out the fire in time to save their precious family heirlooms and their house full of memories. They pray that their children's first scrapbook's will be saved or their eldest child's graduation gown is still hidden safely in their closet. They cling to the small hope that all of their most important things are safely hidden away from the destruction of the fire.

_They're not._

It's right before the fire reaches that peak. Imagine the firefighters are succeeding in defeating the fire. The flames are dying but as the fire fights for oxygen it continues to climb and grow where the water won't reach.

The fire is desperately seeking to find that one pocket of air that will send the whole structure ablaze. And just when the firefighters think they're finally starting to combat the flames, the fire finds the pocket and sends the whole house burning.

That's my life. My fire has found it's air pocket and I'm stuck cowering in the corner of my burning house, the flames are beyond hot and it's burning my flesh. The thick black smoke is invading my lungs. I should be dead. _I want to die._ I want nothing more than to escape my burning house but I can't. I'm _stuck_ in it. I can't leave.

_Kill me._

I finished the last few strokes on my one thousandth drawing and tear it out of my sketchbook. I tack it onto my wall next to the others. Two of my four walls are completely covered. I looked at my disaster of a room and see all the shame it holds.

_All of my shame._

I sighed, defeated. _I'm so disgusting._ I decided to shower for the first time in days. I didn't even have the energy to hurt myself anymore. It was no use. I'm fighting a losing battle against myself.

I stumbled to the shower; hazy and disoriented due to the fast action my weak body wasn't accustomed to. I stripped myself of my clothing and stared at my body in repugnance.

My body was no longer it's usual tan. I was slickly pale and my stomach was clearly inverted. My ribs and hips protruded from my body at unhealthy angles. What was left of my hair was a matted, shaggy mess. My face was thin and I lost the small ring of chub that lined my chin exposing my chin and jawline further. My eyes were sunken in and empty. They didn't contain the glimmer of hope, or liveliness I was accustomed to.

I'm dead. _Christoph is dead._ He's gone and he's never coming back. Till stole that from me. He stole _me_ , from me. I couldn't stand to stare at what he ruined any longer.

So I painstakingly climbed into the shower, and sat in the tub and just let the water cascade down my body. I had never felt like this. I was so confused about how someone could affect me so deeply; how Till could have so much power and ruin me.

My brain began running over the specific events that had ruined everything I was. Where Till had made the decision to ruin my life. He made the decision to put his wants ahead of me and my life. My brain began another tedious round of abhorrent remembrance and I felt my stomach churn and bile began rising in my throat.

_There was no use._

Living was no use. There was no point in me existing anymore. I don't matter.

_'What's the big deal if I die anyway? Who will really miss me? Ollie and Richard?_ _ They'll be fine. _ _Maybe Paul?_ _ Probably not. _ _My parents would be fine._ _ They had another kid; a more successful one at that.  _ _So what's the harm in finally killing what he already destroyed?'_

After what seemed like hours I pulled myself out of the tub and shut off the water. My body groaned in protest as I dried myself off. I threw on some sweats and a hoodie and pulled it over my head. I quickly grabbed my sketchbook writing down a simple note on one of the blank pieces of paper.

I grabbed my cello and walked out the door of my building for the first time in a while. The first couple of steps felt like an eternity. The world was moving in slow motion but I continued to walk towards the auditorium.

Nothing was real, I was slipping into a living comatose. I was constantly numb. I had reached the point of no return. I was feeling nothing. I didn't deserve to be put through this anymore.

_My heart, soul and body had finally reached a unanimous decision._ _I knew what I had to do. It was so simple._

Eventually I made it to my destination. The trek was long and tedious but I made it. I painstakingly opened the heavy metal doors. My body felt like jello. I had no strength left. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I felt scared, sad, confused, and so much more. I was feeling everything but nothing at all. I quickly walked up the steps to the stage.

This stage used to hold such fond and amazing memories for me. It was a way for me to feel like I was worth it. I had conquered limitless leaps and bounds on this stage. I had found the thing I wanted to do for the rest of my life here. I had found my niche; the thing that had made all other hobbies or passions seem insignificant.

Its so sad to see how I had lost my passion. I had lost my spark, my love for music and my respect for myself and my musicality. I was a shell. I was hollow. I was dead. I had lost my love for everything. The only thing that used to give my life meaning was now meaningless itself.

I sat down on the stage, running my fingers delicately over the polished wood of the stage. I felt the groves and inhaled deeply. I unlatched my cello case taking in the appearance of the thing I used to love so deeply.

I quickly plucked the strings on my cello, checking the pitches. They were perfectly in tune. I smiled softly before shutting the case and latching it again.

I looked at the note I had written. My handwriting was sloppy, but legible. _'_ _Please give this to someone who will use it better than I. - Christoph.'_ I tucked the note underneath the side of my case. I pushed myself onto my unwilling feet and walked to the entrance of the auditorium.

I quickly looked back at the place that held my life between its walls. It's so sad because you never realize how beautiful something looks until you realize it's the last time you'd ever see it.


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dudes! Just like I said in my other fics; I would be attempting to update more frequently. Here's my attempt. Enjoy this gut-wrenching chapter that's sure to make you all hate me.

_**"There just comes a point you reach. When you realize you don't ever come back from this. You never escape. It never ends." - 9/01/17** _

I trekked all the way back to my dorm. The walk was long and exhausting to say the least. But at least I had enough sense to buy a pack of cigarettes on the way back.

I somehow managed to choke down package of convenient store crackers to keep myself from losing consciousness from malnutrition. I fumbled with my keys but eventually made my way inside. The place was wreck. I didn't want anyone to see it like this. I'm disgusting.

I painstakingly started picking up all the dirty laundry off of my floor and threw it in my hamper. I meticulously made my bed and organized my end table. I didn't bother with my closet; I just shut the door. I picked up the thousands of long strands of hair still littering my floor from weeks ago. I straightened my desk up and threw away the ashtray contents and the empty bottles scattered throughout my room.

I made quick haste of the work and couldn't help the nagging thoughts at the back of my mind. _'Do you really want to do this? To go through with this?'._ I quickly shoved my intrusive thoughts to the back of my brain. _'I needed to do this. I was out of options; I had nothing left. Till took it all from me.'_

My body shivered. I had no choice. I lowered myself into the chair in front of my desk as my brain began to spin and my chest tightened with anxiety. My pencil lay just inches from my hand, waiting for a sign.

For what seemed like hours I racked my brain trying to figure out what exactly I should say. _'How do you even write these things?'._ I needed to tell someone. It's eating me alive. I threw the notepad against the wall, it hit the wall with a small thud; the papers inside ripping slightly.

I grabbed my phone and put the battery inside it before turning it on for the first time in days. Again it exploded with thousands of notifications. As I slowly began looking through them, there was a knock at the door.

I waited a minute and the heavy, loud banging bombarded my system again. I slowly unlocked the handle and removed the chain. I wasn't quite sure who to expect.

My blood ran cold and my heart shattered in my chest as I was face to face with those hateful, cruel green eyes.

_Till._

I could barely gasp out his name before his right hand clenched around my throat. I dug my nails in his fist and arm but he only gripped me tighter. He slammed the door behind him and threw me against the wall.

My head exploded in pain as it made contact with the hard sheet rock walls. I moaned out a sob of pain as he grabbed my limp body and threw me onto my bed. Till stradded my hips; his shadow loomed over me.

My heart was slamming in my chest, my lips were quivering as they tried to hold back the vomit that's creeping its way up my throat. My legs and arms were shaking in pure fear.

"Ollie and Richard are starting to ask questions about us little one; and I can't have you talking now can I ?". I shook my head rapidly as tears pricked my eyes.

" _No! no! Please!_ I didn't say anything I swear! Please don't hurt me again! I swear I won't tell." I begged hysterically as tears began streaming down my face.

His hand made its way around my throat again and I cringed in disgust as his erection pressed against my thigh. His breath was hot against my neck and all of my senses were in overdrive as Till whispered in my ear. "That's right you won't tell. I'm going to make sure of it".

My eyes went wide as his hand made its way to my zipper. "N-no! Till don't!" I begged repeatedly as he continued to ignore me and pull down my pants. My legs were shaking and my head was pounding as the blood continued to rush behind my ears.

His belt was easily slid off from around him. I tried to throw him off of me but in my inebriated and feeble state; I was in no condition to fight him off. He made easy work of binding my hands and I began screaming.

Till did not like that. His hand made contact with my face at least six times. I lost count after six. All I knew was I couldn't breathe and I could taste blood. I was completely useless.

A fresh stream of hot tears ran down my face when he whispered again, so torturously quiet, " _Mhm-mhm baby_ I'm gonna have so much fun with you. It'll be even better than the last time."

His eyes met mine and he smiled devilishly. They were such a beautiful, ornate green. _Why did they belong to such a monster?_ He chuckled hard as he stuffed a rag in my mouth to silence me again.

The look in my eyes must have pleased him; his erection ground into my thigh harder and I was close to losing consciousness. His hands were making his way to the waistband of my boxers.

Till's voice echoed against the walls as he boomed out "Oh sweet baby. You're shaking for me. You must need me so bad _huh?"._ I muffled a series of curses that I knew Till couldn't distinguish from behind the cloth.

His fingertips hooked the waistband of my boxers. I was petrified. Another heart-wrenching sob was muffled by the cloth. I was going to be raped _again._

_I was going to be raped again._

I cried hard as he pulled down my boxers exposing my disgusting body to him; all so he could ruin it over again. Till grabbed me in his hand. I screamed harder as he began stroking me.

Everything was white noise and the sound of my heart thudding against my chest. Till's yells of disgust ricocheted against the walls. "You pissed all over me you little fuck!". I earned another two punches in the face for that.

" _Disgusting little fuck!_ And to think I was going to fuck you! You worthless whore! If you tell anyone, I swear to god I'll kill you myself!". With that he pulled himself off me and walked out the door.

I was soaked in sweat, blood and urine. I couldn't breathe as I ripped my wrists from the belt holding them and the cloth from mouth. I changed my sweats and shirt. I threw them in the pile of clothes I'll never wear again.

_This is it._

_I'm done._

_I'm ready._

There was no need to write a letter. I had nothing to say. Nothing mattered anymore. No one mattered anymore. I was already dead.

I slammed the door behind me and began climbing to the roof; 10 stories up.


End file.
